Thursday, November 28, 2013

Why you shouldn't put numbers in text


Read any piece of business writing, and you're bound to encounter this sort of gibberish:
In the total throughput table, XYZ is ranked at the market leader, with a throughput of 66.3 million units, up from 60.9 million units in 2006, and a global share of 13.3%. ABC is in second position, with 60.3 million units (12.1%) followed by PQR with 54.7 million units (11%), DEF with 43 million units (8.7%) and JKL, which moved 27.3 million units and has a market share of 5.5%.
Business reports typically have dozens of tables. That’s where the numbers should go. We can’t completely avoid putting numbers in the text, but it should be avoided wherever possible. 

Here’s why.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Farage and the Hitler Youth

My only picture of Farage from school
It has been reported recently that Nigel Farage, leader of the UK Independence Party, sang "Hitler Youth songs" while in the Combined Cadet Force (CCF) at his school, Dulwich College, in 1981.

I know Farage didn't sing any Hitler Youth songs because we didn't know any. I say "we", because I was there; Channel 4 News wasn't and nor, for that matter, was Chloe Deakin (the teacher whose letter about Farage was the basis of the stories).

The letter itself was kept by Bob Jope, a teacher I knew well and admired very much, and who was the epitome of what right-wing commentators would describe as a "trendy leftie". His motives in keeping and later publicising the letter will be obvious, but he didn't hear the cadets singing in Sussex because he wouldn't have been seen dead in the CCF. He was still a good teacher though, and one who inspired creative thinking - a much-needed counter-balance to the school's more usual obsessions with Latin and rugby.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

A tour of the Black Museum

Editors of business reports are constantly turning pretentious wankery into something approaching English, in the vain hope that the readers will understand what the writer was trying to say. Sometimes, the process of disentangling a sentence reveals that the writer himself didn't know what he was trying to say.

This blog began life two years ago as an extension of my Twitter feed, which only existed so I could curate the nonsense I sometimes encounter and hopefully share it with anyone who'd appreciate it.

But Twitter doesn't keep tweets forever, so I've collected some of them here for my own enjoyment. You're welcome to enjoy them too. Sometimes I wonder at the thought process that turns what must have been a simple idea into something verbose and vague. If you have any insight into what makes intelligent, articulate people turn their ideas into verbal molasses, do let me know. Sadly, all these are genuine.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Shock news: your toilet is too clean

Another week, another story telling us all the things that are dirtier than a toilet seat. From what I've seen of the research, this is the story that should have run:

Stop over-cleaning your toilet!
Britons are so paranoid about germs that they are keeping their toilets cleaner than their sofas. 
 
Domestos, on the other hand, is really dangerous

The research, sponsored by Domestos (a maker of cleaning products) and UNICEF, discovered that Britain's toilet seats are now five times cleaner than their game controllers and a shocking twelve times cleaner than the arms of their sofas.

Tom Logan, a lecturer in The Bleeding Obvious at the University of Common Sense, told reporters today, "This proves beyond all doubt that people are obsessively cleaning their toilets far more than they need to, since more people lick their sofas than lick their toilet seats, and who ever heard of someone being poisoned by their sofa?"

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Should top journalists write their own stories?

Lee gets his name in the noosepapers
Oh, the irony.

There was a story in the Daily Telegraph last month headlined Top comedians don't write their jokes, claims Stewart Lee. In this shocking exposé, top journalist Rosa Silverman revealed … well, pretty much what it says in the headline. 

In a strange coincidence, only 24 hours before Silverman filed her story, top journalist Jonathan Brown had run a very similar story in the Independent. What made this coinicidence even stranger was that they were reporting part of a talk that the comedian had given several months before.

Lee wasn't happy about this, but it wasn't Silverman or Brown who attracted his ire.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Leveraging your customer experience

There are plenty of companies like Nunwood, using jargon to impress and doing just the opposite. Still, Nunwood is a particularly juicy example.

I found myself exposed to the company's incredible self-delusion in April, when I filled in a survey it had created for my gas and electric company. I looked at its website and found enough there for a whole blog post about meaningless, corporate jargon.

More recently, I looked at the company's Twitter feed. This was too good not to share.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Corporation-speak: a phrasebook

A new language for addressing the public has evolved in recent decades. It has no official name, but its most essential feature is insincerity. It began as a dialect of English, but it passes the test of being a separate language because it is now incomprehensible to English speakers.

There are two main dialects of this new language: 'Bureaucratic Obscurantism' and 'Corporate Bollocks'.